Navigating Opportunities: The Art of Yes and No
I recently turned down an opportunity to speak about a topic I care deeply about. It hurt. I really don’t like saying no. Well, maybe not to my kids, one of whom just asked to eat cake for lunch after having ice cream for breakfast. That was an easy no. In my day job I often have to say no to people who want to do things differently, which are often forbidden by law or policy, but always hope to do so with a side of “here’s how we can get to yes.” I still don’t like answering those questions with no because I can put myself in the shoes of the person asking and see that their intent is good and that, in their shoes, I might be making the same ask.
When saying no is really painful is when by saying yes I could make a difference to someone. Some incredibly rewarding moments often happen after giving a speech or presentation and a person comes forward to talk with me. Often they are a young LGBTQ+ individual and I can literally see possibility exploding behind their eyes as they talk about never before seeing certain paths as open to them. Sometimes it’s an older person describing how their minds have been opened to changing their stereotypes or long-held biases. In other cases it could be a simple thank you for highlighting an important topic that touched an individual’s heart. When I say no to speaking or mentoring opportunities, it hurts.
When saying no is really painful is when by saying yes I could make a difference to someone. Some incredibly rewarding moments often happen after giving a speech or presentation and a person comes forward to talk with me. Often they are a young LGBTQ+ individual and I can literally see possibility exploding behind their eyes as they talk about never before seeing certain paths as open to them. Sometimes it’s an older person describing how their minds have been opened to changing their stereotypes or long-held biases. In other cases it could be a simple thank you for highlighting an important topic that touched an individual’s heart. When I say no to speaking or mentoring opportunities, it hurts.
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As much as I try to say yes to everything, I just can’t. Early in a career, when time is abundant or the opportunities are few, saying yes is easy. For people who become public figures like corporate executives, musicians, actors, professional athletes, or politicians, as their stature grows getting to yes becomes far more difficult based on the volume of requests. More and more often, they have to say no. I don’t have millions of followers or a huge platform but even now there are some things I have to turn down because of the need to balance competing priorities. Everyone’s balance is different. Consider the following factors when trying to reach your decision about saying yes or no.
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Quality over Quantity?
It’s obvious for someone trying to grow their personal brand or sell a product, more eyes and ears are always better. So while gauging impact could be a quick check of the numbers regarding how many people the engagement will reach, it’s possible that speaking to a crowd of 1,000 could be less impactful than a conversation with one or two people. For advocates trying to make change, speaking to a crowded room of likeminded individuals and encouraging them to write letters or call their representatives can be wonderful, but it might not have as much impact as a quiet meeting with a legislator or their staff. It’s not a pure numbers game, understanding the audience you will be speaking to and what might come from the engagement will take your impact to a different level.
Making an Impact
Understanding the impact also asks you to consider what you need in terms of time and space to make the points you need to make. Do you need to be a keynote speaker or is sharing the stage with others more valuable? As a storyteller, I prefer keynotes, but panels can be great to deliver multiple perspectives in a short amount of time and enhance credibility. Is time for questions and answers vital or does your talk stand-alone? Can you make your big points in 3 minutes, or does it take 30? Either way, an effective communicator should be able to stretch or contract their message to the time available. If I have 3 minutes, I’ll tell an audience why something is important right now. If I have 30 minutes, I might tell them why it was important in the past, why it will still be important in the future, and add in stories that bring an added layer of emotional impact to help people retain the key points.
It’s obvious for someone trying to grow their personal brand or sell a product, more eyes and ears are always better. So while gauging impact could be a quick check of the numbers regarding how many people the engagement will reach, it’s possible that speaking to a crowd of 1,000 could be less impactful than a conversation with one or two people. For advocates trying to make change, speaking to a crowded room of likeminded individuals and encouraging them to write letters or call their representatives can be wonderful, but it might not have as much impact as a quiet meeting with a legislator or their staff. It’s not a pure numbers game, understanding the audience you will be speaking to and what might come from the engagement will take your impact to a different level.
Making an Impact
Understanding the impact also asks you to consider what you need in terms of time and space to make the points you need to make. Do you need to be a keynote speaker or is sharing the stage with others more valuable? As a storyteller, I prefer keynotes, but panels can be great to deliver multiple perspectives in a short amount of time and enhance credibility. Is time for questions and answers vital or does your talk stand-alone? Can you make your big points in 3 minutes, or does it take 30? Either way, an effective communicator should be able to stretch or contract their message to the time available. If I have 3 minutes, I’ll tell an audience why something is important right now. If I have 30 minutes, I might tell them why it was important in the past, why it will still be important in the future, and add in stories that bring an added layer of emotional impact to help people retain the key points.
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The Requestor
There are different standards required to get to yes depending on who is asking for your time. Being asked to speak to a corporation, a non-profit, or a group of kids each comes with different considerations. If you charge a fee for your time, it may vary based on the organization asking, even if the content may be similar. The budget for speakers at a Fortune 500 corporation or a local non-profit vary dramatically. Also, consider how the values of the organization asking for your representation align with your own. If you're asked to represent ideas or causes contrary to your beliefs, or if your representation might be exploited for objectionable purposes, reject the request. For me, this means prioritizing events talking to young folks, particularly LGBTQ+ folks, about future careers in STEM or the military whenever I can squeeze them in and ideally doing so at no or little cost. I also love helping build corporate cultures that drive employee inclusion and retention but will ask for a fee when I’m supporting a for-profit organization with my time. |
Not everyone has an altruistic or clear objective when asking for speakers or writers; take extra care to know who is asking and understand the message they intend to spread. A few friends had experiences where they were caught off guard and their messages were misrepresented by the person asking. In short, if the engagement does not align with your values or something feels off, you should say 'no.' – R. Alina Dacquel, US Air Force Officer |
Understanding Cost
Every engagement comes at a price of time; not just the time on stage or in the meeting. Factor in the time it takes to prepare your remarks and the time and money it takes to travel to and from the destination. Second, consider the opportunity cost. What are your competing priorities? Sometimes it’s taking your kids to the pool, going on vacation with your oldest friends, or just taking your partner on a date. Other times you may just be over-extended and need a break. Advocacy is passion driven work and can easily leas to burn out; people throw themselves into the fight until the battle is won or they reach exhaustion. Yet important causes are rarely about single battles, and taking the time to recharge your batteries when needed is important for playing the long game.
The Value of Time
What is your time worth? This is perhaps the toughest question. When you care deeply about something, you might feel almost compelled to engage at every opportunity and to do so for free. No one wants to give the impression that they are only doing the work only for money or selfish reasons. Yet, even with the confidence to ask for a fee because you deserve it, it’s awfully easy to undervalue your skill and expertise on a subject. Do research on published rates and ask others who do similar work to share their rates. Your time is valuable, you’ll never get it back; expecting a return is not inherently a selfish act but a protective one. However, your time and energy can also be your gift to give. Use it to support causes, mentor people, and make a difference on issues you care about.
Making a Decision
There’s no simple formula to decide if saying yes or no is the right answer. There are far too many difficult to quantify factors. Deriving an equation that holds up to outside scrutiny is an exercise in futility, it just has to be something that works for you. Make an informed choice but it’s okay to let the decision be influenced by emotion. So, should you say yes or do you need to say no? Like any good answer in strategy or philosophy, it depends. The real point of asking yourself these questions is to consider the context, think it through critically, and make the choice that works best for your situation.
If you have to say no, that too can be an opportunity. Consider recommending someone else who might be a perfect fit. Not only does this help out the folks looking for a speaker, but it can help build a network of mutual support between people interested in similar issues or help develop that next great leader. Freelance journalist Emily Starbuck Gerson put it this way:
Every engagement comes at a price of time; not just the time on stage or in the meeting. Factor in the time it takes to prepare your remarks and the time and money it takes to travel to and from the destination. Second, consider the opportunity cost. What are your competing priorities? Sometimes it’s taking your kids to the pool, going on vacation with your oldest friends, or just taking your partner on a date. Other times you may just be over-extended and need a break. Advocacy is passion driven work and can easily leas to burn out; people throw themselves into the fight until the battle is won or they reach exhaustion. Yet important causes are rarely about single battles, and taking the time to recharge your batteries when needed is important for playing the long game.
The Value of Time
What is your time worth? This is perhaps the toughest question. When you care deeply about something, you might feel almost compelled to engage at every opportunity and to do so for free. No one wants to give the impression that they are only doing the work only for money or selfish reasons. Yet, even with the confidence to ask for a fee because you deserve it, it’s awfully easy to undervalue your skill and expertise on a subject. Do research on published rates and ask others who do similar work to share their rates. Your time is valuable, you’ll never get it back; expecting a return is not inherently a selfish act but a protective one. However, your time and energy can also be your gift to give. Use it to support causes, mentor people, and make a difference on issues you care about.
Making a Decision
There’s no simple formula to decide if saying yes or no is the right answer. There are far too many difficult to quantify factors. Deriving an equation that holds up to outside scrutiny is an exercise in futility, it just has to be something that works for you. Make an informed choice but it’s okay to let the decision be influenced by emotion. So, should you say yes or do you need to say no? Like any good answer in strategy or philosophy, it depends. The real point of asking yourself these questions is to consider the context, think it through critically, and make the choice that works best for your situation.
If you have to say no, that too can be an opportunity. Consider recommending someone else who might be a perfect fit. Not only does this help out the folks looking for a speaker, but it can help build a network of mutual support between people interested in similar issues or help develop that next great leader. Freelance journalist Emily Starbuck Gerson put it this way:
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A few times, I’ve found it easier to say no by finding some other advocates who are interested and/or a better fit and refer them instead with my endorsement. I’ve been able to connect others and it made me feel great to help give them an opportunity that furthers their efforts and amplified them. All while allowing me to spend time on things that I’m better aligned with. It also helps me feel like I’m softening the blow when saying no.
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I still want to say yes as often as I can. There are some things where I might say no to the event in a vacuum, but can turn it into a yes if I consider that it’s in a city my wife has always wanted to visit or is happening a short drive away from a great place to ski or hike. I care about these opportunities and am always grateful for the people that are kind enough to reach out to me. When I have to turn some of them down because of competing priorities, it’s not a good feeling but that’s ok. The hurt just reminds me that I still care.
Image courtesy of sparks & honey